Breaking Point
by Starstruck-Strings
Summary: What if in 'Irresponsible' John had been the one who got shot?


The whole scene was uncannily like one of those old western showdown movies. They stared at eachother, hands creeping closer to their guns while the rest of them has to sit there and _watch_ in silence, anticipation. Ronon and Teyla didn't seem worried. They seemed sure that John would be the one to shoot first. How could they be so sure? He wanted to be, he really did, but so many times Kolya had gotten away...

He hadn't realized he'd closed his eyes until a shot rang out and they flew open. They still stood there, was that a good sign? Who fired? They both had their guns out, but the looks of everyone else didn't look... Promising. Not at all- Oh, god. John's knees collapsed under him, and now, now Mckay could see the blood seeping out of his chest, until Sheppard's hand went up to cover it, still in shock. He could hear his heart pounding in the silence. He waited for him to stand back up, raise the gun, shoot the bastard. But it didn't happen. It didn't, because he managed a defiant glare and then he fell the rest of the way to the ground, a few more shuddering gasps of air making their way in until his chest stilled.

He didn't notice his jaw dropping. He didn't notice the tears glazing over his wide eyes. He didn't notice the remaining members of the team being knocked out before they could fight. All he noticed was the scene before him, replaying it, hoping somehow he wasn't really dead.

He didn't snap out of it. Not until Kolya's men had begun to make their way back towards the forest, to go to the gate, and said man stopped in front of him. The closing of his jaw knocked him back to reality. He flinched back when he realized, no, he didn't do that, and that _Kolya was touching him,_ and he didn't want that, no, not at all. The man just smiled that smug smile of his, walking away. "Until next time, Doctor."

And he let him, because he was shaking too much to do any good.

Teyla and Ronon didn't see his breakdown. Maybe that's why they thought he was okay. But it was dusk by the time they woke up, and by then Mckay had packed their things, gotten a blanket to wrap the... The body in, and was ready to leave. He didn't look like he'd cried. In fact, he didn't look anything but empty.

He charged right past Elizabeth once they were through the gate. Knowing she was confused, he pointed back to the others. "Talk to them." He was gone before anyone could protest.

He didn't go to the funeral.

Things got increasingly different after that, and maybe the change wasn't for the better. He lost weight, he worked out a lot more than he ever had. Over the course of a month he could shoot as well as the best of them. No one dared bother him during the hours he trained. They figured he was just coping. He didn't complain as much either. Sure, he still got mad at his incompetent science team. But people were starting to notice that this new phase wasn't going away. He didn't seem like the same person anymore.

Two months after the death, he asked Elizabeth to let him lead the team. She refused, he wasn't a 'leader-type' as the excuse. But he persisted. She hadn't wanted to acknowledge the changes, but she had to, because what was done was done and no one was ever going to be the same. After a week of unrelenting requests, she decided they'd give it a go. If it didn't work out, she could always get someone else to take the position.

Oh, but it did work. He fit right into the job, and they were just as successful as before. People questioned her Judgment at first, but when the team survived time and time again, they pushed the doubts away. They didn't know he was doing it for Sheppard. They didn't know his only goal was to avenge his death. He would keep the team together, despite what harm was meant to them.

Someone had to.

Then they got intel. About where Kolya had disappeared to after all this time. No one was surprised that Mckay was the first to the briefing.

The mission was simple. Get in, get the information, and if they could, get Kolya back to Atlantis.

Of course, it didn't turn out that easy. Because here he was, gun pointed right between the genii's eyes, all the repressed emotions flooding him. And he sat there smirking. He felt like he should pull the trigger right now, wipe that look of his face, but not yet...

"Doctor, you've changed."

"That's all you've got to say to me? _I've changed?_" His voice rose in pitch.

"You have, haven't you?" That change will be the death of you, Mckay thinks. "All over the death of your precious colonel..."

"You think you're so smart, don't you." He growls, the sort of sound you don't expect to hear from a human. "Did you think we'd all go into hiding, when you killed him? Did you think you'd break us?"

"It seems to have been effective."

The gun presses harder. Fuck the plan, he was going to _die._ He didn't get to step foot in his city again. By this point his voice has spiraled lower, and it doesn't suit him, not at all. He's not the scientist who's open, easily frightened, not anymore. _"I loved him_, damn you."

"You wouldn't pull the trigger." And yet, he sounds ever-so-slightly uncertain. Like this isn't playing out like he thought it would.

He began to hear the fire of guns from down the hall. Not nearly as much time as he wanted...

He looks down, and the feral grin on his face is so, so not-Mckay that Kolya wonders if this is all a nightmare. "Watch me."

The body slumps to the floor, scarlet splattered across the walls and desk, and Mckay shoots a few more holes into it, just to be safe. He walks away disturbingly calmly, hearing the shots outside die out. He knows it's his team that's about to walk through the door.

The only thing he regrets is that Kolya died so _quickly..._

_A/N: _Behold, a fic! A badly written fic for the sole purpose of whumping and mental breakdowns!

If there's anyone willing to Beta for me in future, hopefully better written fics, please PM me... I desperately need someone to glue my fics together.


End file.
